Bad, Worser, Worst.

 Today, a long time after my last post, I decided that I will post a blog post about how I'm currently doing. The title is a little spoiler. 

I am not fine at all. If my doctor tells me tomorrow that I'm depressed, it won't be a surprise. I staid home today from school, because I was tired and having muscle pains everywhere. I first planned to actually go, but my mom suggested not to. I'm glad she did. I just can't handle the pressure anymore. I have absolutely no one I can rely on at school, I'm starting to have concentration disorders, I have mountains of schoolwork that has to be done... I am very close to a breakdown; I already cry almost every day because it's getting to much. The struggles at home aren't helping either. I'll talk about it in a later post.

I slept the whole afternoon today. I just don't feel like doing anything useful, since I feel worthless to everyone and everything. I always do things wrong. I really try my hardest, but it never seems to be the right thing. Last week at work they noticed there was something wrong, it can't happen again, I don't want to lose my job... 

All I want is to be happy again. But I don't have the feeling it'll be anytime soon. Nobody at my school really likes me. I'm on my own most of the time, they never want to sit next to me, I have to walk on my own in the corridors... I stand in a group and I try my hardest to interact, but they never respond. I'm an individual standing inside a group, but no one ever talks to me. I have some awesome friends, but they're all on the internet, so they can't be there when I need them the most...

I just want to know what's wrong with me. I want to know what I do wrong that in real life nobody likes me. I want to know why boys don't like me while I like them. I want to know why my destiny is to die alone. I just want to know what I'm doing wrong... 

I really want a friend that accepts me for who I am. I want a lovely boyfriend that likes me just the way I am. I want things that will never happen, cause nobody lokes me at all... When will the tide finally turn and when will I finally have some luck? 

Awkward Family Moments

You all know them. Those times that you are forced to go out with parts of your family that embarras you in front of everyone else. This weekend it was one of those moments again and I certainly did not enjoy myself.

Yesterday, it was a quiz at my brother's school and my two aunts, my mom, my cousin, my sister and me joined as one group. I didn't want to, because of the struggle we had last year, but they already signed us up and it was too late to drop out. I knew what I could expect and unfortunately, I was not wrong.
My aunt was very stubborn and her answer was always the right one, while many times someone else of our little group was correct. My sister was tired of it and started to be stubborn too. As I already said, I did not enjoy myself at all.

Today was another piece of horror. It was dinner day at my school and with the same group, now including my dad and brother too, we went to have a bite. There was this teacher and I told my brother and aunt that he was 45 and not married yet, still living with his mother (I will be the female version of him in 30 years, but okay). My aunt isn't married either and they were all the time, literally ALL the time, saying things like 'oh, (...), come here sexy beast'. Thankfully he didn't hear it, I would have literally changed schools to not have to face him again. It was embarrasing and I was ashamed of them.

Okay, this might not sound to bad to you, but it really was.
But how can you avoid embarrasing family scenes?
1. Say you have other things to do. Homework, papers to finish, weekend jobs... everything to not go with them on a trip.
2. Go to the bathroom if you feel the situation is escalating and stay there as long as you think it is necessary to avoid the climax of the shame.
3. Try asking them to stop. They should know they are embarrassing you like hell. If this doesn't work, walk away and don't return. They'll know it became to much for you.

This was another boring blog post of mine, I promise they'll get better. See you later alligator!

The Battle That Is School

As many other people of my age, I hate school. Not because of the boring classes I have everyday, but because of the people who go there.

This seems cruel and it makes me look like a complete biatch that hates the world, but I'm not. Two years ago I changed schools, in hope that everything would go better on this new one. You see, in my old school, people ignored me all the time, I was always on my own, I felt completely unwanted. With changing schools, I hoped this would be better. It was... the first half year.

They all have this sympathy for you, because you changed schools. I was (and still am) a very shy person that has a hard time making friends. At the beginning it all went good, people were nice to me, I felt wanted, like they wanted to be my friend. But everything changed the next school year. There was a huge change of my class and I went from wanted to a nobody again. I still don't understand. Okay, I don't talk much, but people should know that by now, that that is my personality. It makes it even harder that I barely have things in common with them. It got from bad to worse and I'm almost at my deepest point.

It is not that people bully me, not at all, but ignoring isn't actually the way either. Lately I, got this feeling, that they are constantly talking about me behind my back, especially this one girl. She whispers with others and when I come close she stops and changes the subject. Doesn't that say enough? Today, I had P.E. class for the first time in two weeks, since I was absent the past times. The others of my class had already practised an excercise for the test, but the teacher told me I had to help too. So I suggested a couple of things, adding 'I don't know' all the time, because she was obviously looking filthy at me. Afterwards I went to put on some shoes for another excercise and when I came back, she was again whispering with another girl and when I passed by she stopped. I have absolutely no idea what I ever did wrong to her, but she has been this way for quite a while now. The problem is that everyone seems turned to me, like I did something wrong, but I absolutely don't know what that is. It's killing me inside...

But what should you do if you were in my situation? Talk to them about it. It's because I'm not one hundred percent sure that I'm not telling yet, because I need to be sure first, to not make a fool out of myself. I really want a solution, because I can't take this much longer anymore...

Welcome to my blog!

Hi or Hey!

Welcome on my blog :)

What can you expect? 
I'm planning on making this my personal journal, in combination with some tips about how you can solve situations I am in, or sometimes it will just be some information about places I want to travel or things I really like to do. This blog will mostly be an expression of my emotions that I can't express in my everyday life.

Who am I?
Well, my name is Chloë, I turned 17 last december and I'm currently living in Belgium, but I'm hoping to be able to leave this country forever in the future. It is my dream to become a succesful journalist and travel around the world. I have a big love for bands and boybands. My favourites are 5 Seconds Of Summer, The Vamps and B-Brave. I also really like singer Austin Mahone. These boys mean the world to me, since they were there when nobody else was. For the rest I have a passion for writing and I hope to be able to publish a book someday.
I'm a really shy person, but when I'm around my friends and people I feel comfortable around, I can be very open and talk about everything.

My first real post will follow somewhere tomorrow!

Good night peeps,

Big Kiss, Chloë